Checklist of Saska's conditions:

1:It must be based upon the events transpiring in Relax and Relax II. 

Check.

2:It must be a humor piece. I worked too hard at making them 
uncomfortable to let them roll in the hay without any
     trauma, psychological or otherwise. That's up to you. 

Ummm.... I believe there's humor in it.... if not I apologize... I 
tried.... and there is a.... trauma... of sorts... *snicker* so I guess 
check.

3:It must, as the masses have demanded vociferously, involve Mulder and 
Scully breaking out of this pattern of showering
     alone with their WaterPik Original Shower Massages, and instead 
finding relaxation with one another. 

Uh, check to the third power.

Title: Relax III (Original, huh?)
Author: Trixie
Classification: Uhhh..... MSR/Humor
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimor: Not only am I ripping off the great God (we're not worthy) 
CC of his creation, but I'm also stealing someone *else's* versions of 
Mulder & Scully! Talk about a double whammy! But hey, I still maintain 
that suing me would lead to nothing good, as I have no money, no time, 
and no interest in convincing a jury of my peers that I am legally 
insane. I really don't have the five extra minutes it would take.

And now, on with the story! And a big 'ole thanks to Saska, without whom 
this story *truly* wouldn't exist. Lemme know what you guys think!

               "Relax III"
                by
               Trixie

****

"Mulder, my building's being fumigated. I'll be staying with my mother 
for the weekend, so if you need to get in touch with me for any reason, 
that's where I'll be," Scully informed her partner, picking up her 
trench coat and briefcase on her way out the door. She turned back 
toward him. "Oh, and Mulder?"

Mulder looked up at her, a questioning look on his face.

Scully quirked her eyebrow. "Don't call." Smiling slightly, Scully 
walked out the door.

"But Scully, what if there's a giant liver eating mutant stalking the 
sewers of Home Pennsylvania who can manipulate the thoughts of 
overweight women he met on the Internet?" Mulder asked in a dry serious 
tone.

Scully stuck her head back in the door. "Deal with it Mulder - you're a 
big boy and I have complete faith in your abilities." And then she was 
gone.

Mulder snickered to himself and directed his attention back to the file 
on his desk.

******

"Mom, where did you put the hot cocoa mix?" Scully asked her mother, 
standing on her tip toes to reach the middle shelf of her mother's 
kitchen cabinets.

"On the top shelf Dana," Maggie Scully replied, walking into the 
kitchen.

Scully cast her eyes upward, staring longingly at the top shelf. "Mom, 
do you think you could...?"

Maggie smiled at her daughter. "Of course Dear," she replied, reaching 
up and grabbing the instant mix. "Oh, before I forget, Fox called while 
you were out."

Scully's head snapped up at the mention of her partner's name. "What did 
Mulder want Mom?" Scully asked, feigning a casual air she didn't feel.

Maggie waved her hand in the air. "Oh, he just said that if someone 
called you saying he was in the hospital,  for you not to worry about 
it, it wasn't serious,  he's fine, and he'll see you at work on Monday."

Scully's brows drew together in worry. "Mulder's in the hospital? What 
happened?"

Maggie shrugged a shoulder. "I have no idea. He sounded like he didn't 
want to talk about it over the phone, and I didn't want to pressure him 
into telling me," Maggie's voice took on a conspiratorial note. 
"Actually, I believe Fox sounded a little wary of your finding out he 
was in the hospital at all."

Scully closed her eyes. "Damnit Mom, if he went out on his own and 
almost got himself killed again so help me God I will.."

Maggie smiled and laid a hand on her daughter's shoulder. "You'll what 
honey? Yell, scream and stamp your feet? Shoot him?"

Scully chuckled a little. "I've tried all of the above. None of it 
works. I guess.. I guess I'll just go on doing what I do every time. 
Accept that it's just a part of Mulder being Mulder and move on with our 
life."

Maggie looked at Scully carefully. "Dana, why don't you go pay your 
partner a visit? I'm sure it'd brighten up his mood a lot."

Scully chewed on her bottom lip. "Are you sure you wouldn't mind Mom?" 
she asked, not sure if she should go or not. She wanted to, that's for 
sure. But after everything that'd happened recently... She'd wanted to 
spend some time away from him. Away from that damn shower she could no 
longer use without conjuring up the most distracting and enticing 
images.

Maggie chuckled. "Mind? Me? Mothers never mind," she informed her 
lightly.

Scully felt tears come to her eyes and she refused to cry them. She knew 
damn good and well mothers *did* mind. The difference between good 
mothers and great mothers was the ability to pretend they didn't. "I 
love you Mom," she whispered huskily, enveloping her mother in a hug.

"I love you too baby," Maggie replied, returning her hug. "I love you 
too."

********

Scully bumped the door to Mulder's apartment closed with her hip, 
reflecting ruefully that his neighbors probably thought they had 
something going. The fact that the thought didn't bother her in the 
least caused Scully's step to falter on her way to Mulder's kitchen. 
Shaking her head at herself she continued to his table, depositing the 
take out Italian she'd picked up on the way over. She then walked to his 
bathroom, intending to draw a nice hot bath so he could soak whatever 
injury he'd incurred in a nice hot bubble bath. Scully had called the 
hospital on the way to Mulder's apartment. A nurse had informed her 
Mulder's condition was not serious, and that he was being released from 
the hospital that night. Scully froze when she saw the conditioner 
sitting on the side of his tub. Picking it up she read the brand to make 
sure she wasn't seeing things. Yes, that was her brand of conditioner 
sitting there on Mulder's tub. No shampoo, just conditioner. Out of 
curiosity and unable to stop herself Scully opened his bathroom cabinet 
and peered inside. There she found another bottle of conditioner - this 
with a corresponding bottle of shampoo of the same brand. Swinging 
around she zeroed in on the object of her quest - The WaterPik Original 
Shower Massage.

"Mulder, you keep unfolding like a flower," she murmured under her 
breath.  

Her head turned back to the cabinet. Her hands reached in - seemingly 
with no conscious thought on her part - and extracted a bottle of bubble 
bath. Coconut scented bubble bath. Scully's eyebrows drew together in 
confusion and surprise. 

Mulder had bubble bath?

Before she could stop herself, Scully turned on the hot water tap and 
added the bubble bath. She smelled it and froze. God this is what Mulder 
smelled like. Turning back to the shampoo she saw that it was the same 
brand. Smiling Scully realized she held in her hand the equivalent of 
Mulder-in-a-bottle. Before the rational side of her brain could talk her 
out of the action, Scully undressed and got into the tub. After all, 
Mulder would never know. She would soak for a few minutes, then get to 
the hospital to pick him up. Simple. Easy. Scully tossed the last of her 
clothing in a pile and slippped into the hot scented water. God, it was 
like being wrapped in Mulder. He must have cologne to match this stuff.  
Her head fell back against the tub, her eyes closing as she sunk further 
into the warm bubbles. She slowly opened her eyes and found herself 
staring up at the WaterPik Original Shower Massage.  Why had he bought 
it? Had her suspicions that day been correct? Had he been. . . . 
Spending quality time with her shower massage? The `toy' he'd bought 
her? Scully's eyes slowly drifted shut again, wondering what she'd have 
done if she'd walked in on him in her shower. Touching himself. 

"Mulder, what are you doing in my shower?"

Scully wrinkled her nose, dismissing the question outright. It would've 
made her sound like an idiot. What he was doing was *rather* obvious.

"Mulder, need some help?"

Scully rolled her eyes. Yea, that'd be good. And what if he replied 
`Actually Scully, no I don't. I'm doing great on my own. Could you come 
back in a few minutes?"

Maybe words were the wrong approach. Maybe she should use action. They 
say it speaks louder. Scully imagined her eyes locking with Mulder's. 
His own hands stilled on his body as she walked closer to him, slowly, 
neither moving fast, both unwilling to break the spell. She reached the 
side of the tub and leaned into his body, wrapping her hands around his 
and bringing her mouth to the hollow of his throat. She sucks with her 
mouth and moves his hands away at the same moment, stroking him with her 
hands. His own hands move quickly to her body which - miraculously - is 
no longer clothed. His hands begin stroking her, moving so softly 
they're like phantoms.

Scully hadn't even realized she'd begun to touch herself until she heard 
a slight gasp of breath from the end of the tub. Her eyes flew open and 
focused on the room around her. Standing at the end of the tub was her 
partner, staring at her, wide eyed, slack jawed, and looking like he 
could pitch a tent with the erection he was sporting. 

"Mulder," Scully breathed, not knowing what else to say, and not sure 
whether she was dreading or anticipating what he had to say.

*******

Mulder stretched his back, digging for his keys in the back pocket of 
his jeans. Damn, he *had* to stop playing basketball. This time he'd 
almost done serious damage. The doctor had started throwing words like 
`spinal injury' around, and he'd gotten scared. Shaking his thoughts 
off, Mulder entered his apartment, shutting the door behind him. He 
tossed his keys down on the table and headed for the kitchen. He noticed 
a big bag that looked like it came from the Italian place around the 
corner. Peeking into the bag his suspicions were confirmed.  He was 
about to pull out his gun when he glanced toward the bathroom and saw 
the light under the door. He looked over at the couch and saw Scully's 
purse sitting there. He expelled a breath and walked toward his 
bathroom. He knocked on the door and received no response. He knocked 
again, a little louder. Still nothing. Getting a little worried, Mulder 
pushed the door open and walked inside. He froze where he stood at the 
sight that greeted his eyes.

Scully, head thrown back in ecstasy, her hands moving over her body 
(which was mostly covered in bubbles) in slow erotic strokes. She was 
making the most intoxicating low hum in the back of her throat. A 
multitude of thoughts ran through his head, one right after another.

What would she do if she realized I was here?

What would I say?

Hey Scully, need a hand? 

Anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're masturbating?

God how many people would I kill for those to be my hands on her body?

I hope she doesn't kill me when she realizes I've been watching her. . . 
. . 

Her eyes fluttered open and stared at him. Their eyes connected. He 
could see the fear embarrassment and naked longing in her eyes. God why 
was she afraid? She breathed his name. His name had never sounded that 
way before. And above all else - above what they were risking, above 
what the consequences would be - he wanted to hear her say his name like 
that again.

Then he wanted to hear her scream it.

Without conscious thought Mulder walked toward the tub. He squatted down 
by her head, their eyes still glued to one another. He brought his hand 
up to her face, gently brushing a damp lock of hair from her eyes. He 
offered her a gentle smile filled with everything he had in his soul to 
give.

"Scully," he breathed softly, bringing his mouth to hers, brushing their 
lips gently. He leaned back after the chaste kiss and renewed eye 
contact. He could see the embarrassment leave her eyes first. But the 
fear was still there. And then she placed a hand on the arm he had 
resting on the edge of the tub. He stared down at her small hand on his 
arm for a moment. Then he covered it with his own, entwining their 
fingers. When he looked back up at her eyes, the fear was gone.

Mulder slowly rose, taking her hand with him. Scully stood as well, 
rising up with him. Mulder watched as she emerged from the water, 
bubbles covering all those curves. . . .  Mulder placed his free hand on 
her right hip, running it up her ribcage.  Scully brought her hand to 
his shoulder, pulling herself upward toward him. 

It happened before either of them could do anything to prevent it.

Mulder's foot landed on a wet patch of bubbles that had dropped off 
Scully's body. He felt himself falling backward. He released Scully, not 
wanting to pull her down with him. But Scully - in an obviously futile 
attempt to keep Mulder from falling - clutched at his shoulder with one 
hand, and held on tightly to his hand with the other. Mulder fell 
backward, landing in the bathtub with a splash. Scully quickly followed, 
falling into an undignified heap on top of him. Her legs landed on 
either side of his body, her arms around his neck. Her breasts were 
pressed up against his chest and her breath was kissing his lips their 
faces were so close.

It almost made Mulder forget about the intense pain shooting up the left 
side of his back and shoulder. An involuntary groan of pain escaped his 
lips. Scully's hands were on his body then, running over him, checking 
for injuries.

"Mulder are you okay?" she asked, hurriedly checking his shoulders for 
gashes.

"Fine Scully," Mulder managed between clenched teeth. "I screwed up my 
back and my left shoulder earlier today. It's just gotten worse, that's 
all," he muttered.

"What were you doing Mulder?" Scully asked, concerned.

"Playing basketball with kids half my age," he replied, a bit 
sheepishly.

A small smile of what he was almost afraid to call acceptance crossed 
her face. Then she did the oddest thing. She moved her body away from 
his. He immediately missed the contact. She stood carefully in the tub, 
moving around his back. She reached for something, then sat back down 
behind him, her legs wrapping around his hips. Her fingers moved to his 
shirt, quickly whipping the wet, black cotton over his head, tossing it 
to the side of the tub. Her hands skimmed down his chest, making little 
circles as they went. She reached the buttons on his jeans and quickly 
undid them. She pulled them, and his boxers off at the same time, 
working them down his hips, his knees, his calves then over the side of 
the tub they went. They both began giggling half way through as they 
tugged and moved around. Scully placed a kiss to his neck, then he felt 
the most incredible pressure against his left shoulder.

The WaterPik Original Shower Massager.

Scully began rubbing her fingers just above the spot she had the 
massager aimed at. The combination was causing him to relax and tense at 
the same time. His body was coiled, afraid if he gave into her touch 
she'd stop.

"Mulder," she breathed again, her voice at his ear. She placed a kiss on 
the lobe. "Relax." There was a chuckle in her voice.

Mulder smiled and did as she asked. He relaxed, and gave himself over to 
her touch. The massager and her fingers worked their way down his back, 
going over all his sore muscles several times. The massager was set down 
and her hands went to work on his lower back, kneading his tight 
muscles. Her mouth moved up his spine, placing soft wet kisses all the 
way up to the base of his neck. Her tongue darted out of her mouth, 
licking at all the skin she could reach. Her legs wrapped tighter around 
his hips, her heels moving to his pelvis. They brushed over his erection 
and he held is breath. Both her feet moved down to his thighs, gently 
running up and down his legs. They moved to his inner thighs, tickling, 
teasing him. Her hands stopped rubbing his back and instead moved to the 
front of his body, running up and down his chest, over his nipples. Her 
breasts pressed flat against his chest, her nipples rock hard against 
his skin. 

"Scully," he gasped as her fingers pinched one of his nipples.

"Hmm?" she hummed against his back.

Mulder turned in her grip suddenly, so that they were facing one 
another, her legs still wrapped around his hips, the rest of their 
bodies so close bubbles rested between their chests, trapped, unable to 
move. One of Mulder's hands wrapped around Scully's waist, his fingers 
making small little circles on her wet skin under the water. His other 
hand ran up and down her back in a feather light touch. Scully tightened 
her legs around his waist and brought her hands up to his face. She 
cupped his cheeks in her hands and stared into his deep hazel eyes, 
straight into his soul. She cut through all the layers of bullshit and 
saw exactly what was there - a scared little boy, desperately needing to 
be loved. She also saw the man who wanted to love her back just as 
badly.

A Mona Lisa smile tugged at Scully's lips a fraction of a second before 
she kissed him. It started soft then swiftly turned harder, deeper. Her 
tongue darted into his mouth, then back into her own only to have his 
follow her. Her hands moved around to the back of his head, her nails 
scraping down his scalp. His hands moved down to her ass,  lifting her 
against him. He slipped inside her easily, both of them groaning into 
each other's mouths. They stayed like that for a moment, mouths fused, 
bodies connected. Then Mulder wrapped his hands tighter around Scully's 
waist and lifted her off him, then slowly sank her back down. He 
repeated the move three times,  each time sinking a little deeper into 
her. Scully dug her feet into his lower back, her hands moving to his 
shoulders. Her nails dug into the skin she found there, her head lolling 
back as she moaned his name.

The sound of her voice triggered something inside Mulder, and he began 
thrusting into her harder and faster. He held tightly to her hips, the 
water swishing around them adding to the sensation of her body wrapped 
around his. Her nails ran up and down his back and she brought her head 
to his shoulder. She thrust against him, her mouth landing on his 
shoulder. She bit his shoulder, stifling her scream as she came, hard. 
She tightened around him and Mulder began pounding harder into her, 
groaning into her hair as he spent himself inside her. Her legs loosened 
around his hips, falling to the side of his legs. One of his hands 
buried itself in her hair, the other supporting her lower back. He 
brought her head up, kissing her cheeks, her forehead, her jaw. 

Scully placed a hand on his chest and pushed him away from her. Eyes 
twinkling, she laid her full wattage smile on him. "Thank you," she 
whispered huskily against his mouth.

Mulder's eyes widen. "Thank you? Of all the things I've dreamed of 
hearing you say after this," he gestured between their bodies, "'thank 
you' never once occurred to me."

"You dreamed of this?" she asked, her voice taking on her sleepy morning 
tone.

Mulder closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers. "God 
Scully. . . You have no idea," he muttered. 

"I think I do," she replied in a low whisper. She rubbed her nose 
against his, their foreheads moving against each other's. "Besides, I 
wasn't referring to what just happened here."

Mulder raised his eyebrows, keeping his eyes closed, not wishing to 
move. "What were you referring to then, Special Agent Dana Katherine 
Scully?"

She smiled against his mouth, placing a fleeting kiss there. "I was 
referring to the best damn St. Patrick's Day present I've ever received. 
Thank you, Mulder. It's made my year," she murmured, kissing him deeply.

A few moments later, Mulder pulled away from her. "Hey Scully?" he asked 
tentatively.

"Yea?" she asked, resting her head on his shoulder, burying her nose in 
the curve of his neck.

"Can we get out of the water? As much as I'd hate to move, I'm getting 
all wrinkled *way* before my time."

"Relax Mulder," Scully murmured, placing a kiss to his jaw, "I'm sure 
the WaterPik Shower Massage has at least *one* setting to get rid of 
wrinkles."

Chuckling, Mulder decided she was right. He pulled her back against his 
chest and reclined in the tub. He reached behind him for the massage 
where it lay in the water. "Hey Scully. . . . Want a neck rub?"

A splash and a giggle was his response.

The End